A Fake Apology Is Worse Than No Apology At All

Some emotional wounds heal slowly, so allowing time for forgiveness is reasonable

Courtesy Wikimedia/workshopped

Wife: I would forgive you if you would just apologize.

Husband: What do you mean? I did apologize.

Wife: No, you didn’t.

Husband: I said I was sorry. What else do you want?

Wife: That’s not an apology.

(Husband leaves the room in a huff.)

Does this sound familiar?

In the encroaching darkness of misspoken words, a simple remedy would be just a few words or a gesture of sorry. And what if the husband’s response was: The word was offensive, and I regret saying it. I’m very sorry to have caused you this kind of pain. I’ll be more mindful in the future.

(Kiss. Kiss. Hug. Hug.)

At some point in our lives, we all have done things that made us feel sorry. Being humans, the wise and the fool miscalculate things now and then when our apologies have fallen flat.

Many of us cannot gather the courage to apologize for our mistakes. A gesture of “Sorry” accompanied by sincere behavior is magic. Literature is filled with the pursuit of happiness to alleviate our suffering, and some sweet words, followed by a sincere apology, can bring years-long hostility to an end. It can heal hearts and solve disputes. It can put smiles on sad faces and reunite old friends. It can save marriages.

We all crave validation like dogs craving tidbits at the table — no matter what tidbits, however dried out or tasteless, would suffice — but apologizing? Ugh! Most of us hate to have to do it. It’s hard to admit when we were wrong and even challenging to ask for forgiveness, especially if the other person was partly to blame. The restless beast of wrongdoing needs to be fully stilled, fully soothed.

I pondered this when I read a book by Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy titled “Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies.” In it, they argue that apologizing well is an art, and an important part of learning to apologize is accepting that your apology might not fix the situation for everyone.

One of the most challenging lessons I’ve had to learn is that I live on unsteady ground. After all, a discerning person notices and picks up on things. But like the rest of humanity, I’m a single mistake away from blundering, and I know I must be vigilant of being cocky or negligent. But I’m not about to say that I interpret it as some dramatic lunge toward self-realization. I’m just trying to pay attention and understand that there’s power in humility.

You read about aggressive behaviors, physical abuse, and dramatic stories of deception. And SORRY is the word that people sometimes toss out carelessly without meaning, and it can be just as hurtful. Being genuinely sorry is remembering what you did and having enough genuine regret to sincerely undertake not to repeat what you know has caused distress or even great hurt. Regret is an action feeling. It’s not just something you say; it’s reflected in your actions.

Some things you can’t brush off with an apology. Many cheaters, for example, love saying they’re ‘sorry’ but, in reality, regret being caught. The magic word here is EMPATHY. It’s recognizing what you did to them and addressing that.

But an inadequate apology is worse than no apology at all. Ineffective or fake apologies are so frequent that the word NONAPOLOGY has been defined as a statement that takes the shape of an apology but does not equal acknowledgment or regret for what offended, to begin with.

I’m regretful for being so hateful, rude, unintelligent, childish, selfish, passive-aggressive, unfaithful, careless, and flat-out mean. I’m remorseful for not caring when I said I did, for not loving when I said I would, and for not listening when I said I would.

It’s the polite thing to do to accept an apology. But what about when the apology is insincere? When you know this person apologizes but does not feel remorse? What about when you’re receiving the same apology for the same hurtful or inconsiderate behavior over and over? What about when you truly, do not forgive this person? Maybe it’s too soon, you’re still hurt, and you’re just not ready yet. Perhaps you’ll never be prepared.

A typical example of a nonapology is a declaration such as I am sorry if I hurt you. While this statement seems apologetic, a closer look reveals a lack of responsibility or genuine acknowledgment of harm. Or a message that contains a “but” (“I’m sorry, but…”) invalidates the apology.

Why not just accept the apology, forgive, and move on?

So, if you’re accepting an apology to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or because you feel obligated to do so, how is that helping you? That is stingy forgiveness. It leaves you resentful and unable to move forward as you watch the forgiven person move forward feeling great about things!

That might be all great, but what usually happens is that we discount our feelings and pretend that we aren’t upset to avoid rocking the boat. If you haven’t processed your emotions around a topic and held the other person accountable, you are likely neither letting go nor moving on. Instead, you are building a resentment that will come up again during the next conflict. We do ourselves a disservice by not giving ourselves time to feel our feelings!

To be clear, it is ALWAYS okay not to accept an apology. You don’t owe anyone your acceptance or forgiveness. That sounds harsh, but it is the reality. You may not be ready to accept an apology at that moment, or you may not believe it’s sincere. Some emotional wounds heal slowly, so allowing time for this is reasonable.

Apologies can create uncomfortable, awkward moments, so it’s easy to feel rushed into accepting one before really thinking about it. We are trained with this knee-jerk reaction when we say, “I’m sorry,” and say, “That’s alright.”

The best apology is a changed behavior. Forgiveness does not necessarily come with an ongoing relationship. What I mean by that is someone may do something to harm you, and you can forgive that person. You can accept our apology. But you are in no way obligated to maintain a relationship with them.

Accepting an apology, forgiving that person, and moving forward without them is acceptable. This is your show! So, you get to decide whether you believe the sincerity of an apology. You can determine whether you are ready to accept and forgive. You can choose whether you want to keep them in your life. But most of all, regardless of how prepared you are to hear the apology, listen carefully with open ears. Avoid reacting or interrupting and allow their apology to stand on its own. You will have plenty of time to respond after they finish speaking.

A good apology encompasses the recognition of the harm, which means avoiding “if-apologies,” such as “I’m sorry if I did anything wrong” or “I’m sorry if you’re upset.”

A good apology is taking responsibility, which means avoiding the “but-apologies” such as “I’m sorry, but I was having a miserable day,” “I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean it,” or “I’m sorry, but I’m not a racist.”

An authentic apology can do wonders for yourself and the other person. It expresses genuine remorse and repentance for causing harm — not excuses.

At the end of the day, an apology is just an apology. “I’m sorry” is just a string of words. No matter how close you are with someone or think that person is, an apology without change is manipulation — lacking the potential for real relationship growth.