Three Useless Words, Ritualistic Social Passcode, Devoid of Their Original Intent
“How are you?” Often, when asking these three compulsive words, it serves as a social reflex
Imagine an alien land on Earth and learning our customs… They’d be so confused about why we incessantly ask about each other’s well-being but never wait for a substantive reply!
“How are you?”
These three words are often asked rhetorically and out of habit, without a genuine interest in the answer. My response is usually a perfunctory “Fine, thanks,” regardless. I use these words as a meaningless conversational filler, akin to saying “Hello” without intending to start a substantive dialogue.
Sometimes “How are you?” is asked while passing by me quickly, without time or intention to listen to my response.
The following could be a make-believe conversation:
“How are you?”
“Fine,” comes my default response, even a dying person gives. The truth is that at that moment, it’s so long since I’ve been fine that I have no idea what that feels like anymore.
I’ve observed that we rarely want to know the answer when we ask, “How’s it going?” or “How are you?” in passing. It’s just a stand-in for “I don’t really know what to say, so I’ll pretend that I care to know.”
“Good, you?” I respond with a smile, hoping they won’t hear the lie in my voice. After all, my parents taught me to be polite.
So one day, I decided to try an experiment by answering in unexpected ways.
“How’re you?” the expected question is hurled at me as I approach the barista at Starbucks.
“Do you really want to know?” comes my answer, accompanied by a smile. Or sometimes I say: “How much time do you have to listen?”
Confused look. Long hesitation. Then a nervous laugh. Obviously, our relationship will never go beyond a mini chat and will not stretch out to having coffee together. We hastily part ways when words dry out, and another worker behind the counter delivers my coffee with a scowl — it seems like many people to serve and no time to ask how I’m doing.
Pity. My experiment is on hold.
Then, on another occasion, I decided to experiment with answering the question genuinely.
“How are you?”
“Anxious,” I say. “I’m having company tonight and don’t feel like cooking.”
The benevolence, the spiritual calm that a moment ago radiated from the asker, seems to vanish. And then the creaky machinery of his face begins to grind, evident that the process is off-kilter — followed by rapid eye blinks and “Oh.”
Obviously, the asker is unprepared to engage casually with such a heavy topic. So I decided to rescue him by pressing on with the one-way conversation.
“So, I’m thinking of canceling.”
A nervous laugh is all I get in return for my excellent communication skills.
“Do you think it will be rude of me to cancel at the last moment?” I plow forward with my agenda.
Silence. The last light on his face is layered with swoops and slashes of shadows. The transformation is incredible.
Ahh…the blessed silence comes in handy. Pleasant encounters such as this break up my daily meanderings. A fleeting bond that can’t possibly advance.
Nowhere to go from there. Mission accomplished. That will teach the asker of the aimless question a lesson.
I couldn’t believe how my small study at responding when asked a question without the chance of receiving an honest answer, how easy to bulldoze a dialogue and bring it to an abrupt end. Fascinating.
A Harvard study suggests that “How are you” are three of the most useless words in the communication universe. Nobody who asks that question wants to know the answer. And nobody who answers ever tells the truth.
So in many everyday usages, “How are you?” and its typical response carries little meaning or serves any real communicative purpose. The words become ritualistic social passcode, devoid of their original intent.
But these three words have their merits. This question has the potential to be incredibly meaningful after a friend has shared a lot of happenings in their life. After they’ve caught you up on recent events, it’s important to ask, well, how are you? If you’re still not a fan of this question, I think it’s valuable to ask, how does all of this sit with you, or how are you feeling?
Often unfortunate side of catching up with friends is that time passes, and half of the conversation may be a rundown of what’s happening in someone’s life. It’s valuable to ask the other person how they are doing so they feel connected and loved and that it’s not a one-sided conversation.
Here’s a tidbit of wiseness — the self is a complicated mechanism, and to speak it honestly requires sincerity to catch insight on the wings of accurate words.
So, how are you?